lost & reVisited

Been a little spent lately. Out of one temporary place and into another..  not exactly what I’d hoped, but I’m making the most of it. I had sort of a mad dash to find a place to live there at the end of Sept. I looked at tons of places.. couldn’t make up my mind. Then one day I saw two listings, made appts to see both the next day and decided on the spot.

Spontaneous, hasty, premature.. yes, all of the above, but the clock was ticking. I had to figure something out.

And here I am. All I have to say about where I’m at is that it’s cheap and close to work. I’ve made it pretty comfortable and I look forward to getting my own place as soon as the right opportunity presents itself.

What else?

After many weeks of training, I feel like I can do my job well enough that it doesn’t make me too crazy. Just hope the shift I get starts a little later in the day. I could stand to sleep at least another hour each morning. 5am comes quickly in the night.

Also.. yesterday, after many years I bumped into two guys I used to be in a band called Lumber with.. Rod and Corey – niether of which have grown up too much, thankfully! Rod put some band pics up and I could really think is damn I look fat. Well, even in my 20’s it was in my face, baby fat. Still around, just in a different place. yeeeah.

And also sorta worth mentioning, after a few teetotaler years, I had a drink yesterday after work. For personal reasons I’m not going into now, I’ve taken a lot of pride in this. I have a very addictive personality and I’ve often thought it’d be very easy for me to loose myself in the booze. For heath reasons and my anti social tendencies, however, it  hasn’t been an issue really. But yesterday I did by myself with dinner because I could and I wanted to..  I asked them to put half the amount of rum and I drank half the drink, so it took about 1/4 of the normal amount to give me a buzz. I though it was funny.

If or when I do it again, I’ll definately pass on the pretty, foo fee, fruity rum drink.. it gave me scary flashblacks of too many fuzzie navels in college.. blah!

Filed under: Spirit

transitional discourse

so the mtn ‘Getaway’ is a no-go for now.

the More I planned, the more the figures kept adding up. the biggest deciding factor had to do with my vehicle.. with a whole lot of gremlins, including a messed up AWD and nearly 200,000 miles. Blue book value – $700. ugh.

so ya.. not exactly the best thing to be making a nearly 100 mile/day mountain trip during a Colorado winter.

I suppose me “coming to my senses” was inevitable. But when I saw the place I believed that I could make it work and I still do, just not right away..  and that’s cool.

I’m looking into efficiency pretty seriously, and to really focus in on some other areas of my life that have been neglected for too long… just a matter of finding the courage and creativity needed to commit. The three C’s.. lol

And what about the art?

Well, that is part of the process.. When the whole shebang gets underway, I want to record the entire process here with words and images.

By next weekend I’ll know if I’m moving to the efficiency place I looked at yesterday and after that is a move with yet another new start.

knock on wood, it’ll be a smooth one

Filed under: Spirit

Getaway

This is it.

For many months before I moved here the little house pictured to the left is what I dreamed of living in.  It wasn’t the big house with the really great views that I ended up moving to and having very weird experiences at, it wasn’t a modern town home like I am now living in (although the conveniences are very tempting).. it was a little house nestled in the woods in the mountains. A ‘mountain getaway’.. literally, and there it is.

When I looked at it earlier this week it was like love at first sight.. although I did make honest attempts to be “practical”. It’s like an artist paradise. Large (for one person) open floor plan, loads of space, secluded, quiet, peaceful.. amazing.

Of course, in a few months there will be a few feet of snow in this picture and that is where the challenge lies… or the “adventure”. It’s way far away from where I work.. I will be doing a pretty fair amount of commuting over winding roads. Of course, there are other jobs.. and the one I’ll be committing to developing is my art.

I’ve already gotten the planning stages underway… making lists about how I’ll need to prepare for travel, prepare for the snow, where I’ll paint, how I’ll set stuff up.. and so on. And, naturally, what Im also looking forward to is having company over. So many things.. at times its a little hard to contain my excitement.

ultimately.. the decision to settle down was determined by my health.. in that it is very likely I will gain the most from consistency. Developing healthy habits over time including relaxing, eating well, moving and arting. To a certain extent, yes, I could have done those from the road.. but ultimately, camping out in the vehicle isn’t exactly as effective.

much more to come..  I move again beginning next month

Filed under: Spirit

men are idiots today

Someone told me a joke earlier that was pretty funny and timely since a supposed friend I was supposed to meet for the first time today stood me up..

The joke goes like:  Men are only smart when plugged into a genius! (women!)

Yeah, so obviously he isn’t and won’t be plugging into me.. I have been stood up before and thought ‘whatever’… but with this guy today it’s like wtf?

The funniest, craziest thing about it.. was as I was driving back (I drove over nearly 60 miles round trip to see him!) I saw the biggest, humungoid sign ever that read DO NOT ENTER. I mean it was probably the biggest, loudest, most blatant road sign I’ve possibly ever seen in my life! I should have taken a picture of it..

I also noticed many regular versions of the same sign, consequentially.

Anyway, if that’s not the universe trying to tell me something, I don’t know what is.

I think the only answer at this point is just to swear men off until I am settled into something personally progressive. IE) solid health, financial stability, a more permanent place of residence and my art.

If I’m unable to commit to gaining the things I really want in life, I honestly don’t know how I can expect a man to commit to me. He may be an idiot, but I’m still the one sending out these vibes.

Filed under: Spirit

milkshakes and earthquakes

Open letter to the universe:

Infatuation, experienced in real time and reciprocated to some degree inspires me. Sometimes I just know and other times it evolves. Maybe comparable to spark – instant infatuation. More often the vibe isn’t completely mutual. I suspect if it were mutual it’d be a greater challenge – not entirely unwelcome.

Allusive, appealing, muses and men. Uniquely creative in some ways, subtly profound. Surface and physical attributes come second; Spirit, Connection and Experience rule.

The art, the attitude, intellect and charm. Interaction, momentum and intensity – not quite realized, always on the verge.

It’s who I am and who I seek. Can you find it in me? Does it exist in you?

Monique

Filed under: Spirit

cycles

As one ends another begins.

I had a little bit of a wake up call yesterday with my health which has for the time being made up my mind. Basically that call told me I need consistency in my routine – a healthier overall routine that is. Which isn’t exaxtly something life on the road would provide..

I’ve looked at a few places and think I’ll narrow something down soon. Better be soon cause next week I’m moving out of here.

It’ll be really good to get away from the LL – who has his moments. It’s the place, however, that I’m feeling a little nostaligic about.

Gotta a lot of work to do, but am not feeling so ambitious. I feel like taking a nap.

well, I guess I’ll just have to sleep when I’m dead

Filed under: Spirit

get up & Go, got up & left

wow.. I can’t remember a time when I’ve felt so tired and uninspired

Met this very “interesting” man the other day after much adeau.. ever see that movie 12 Monkeys? Know Brad Pitt’s character? That’s this guy only not as deranged and psychotic. Clearly one of Pitt’s best characters, btw.

Anyway, there was a moment during our meeting when I flashed back to the past, seeing something.. actually I saw many of them.. that reminded me of someone else and in that moment, I wanted him there instead – very much.

The last time I felt inspired was with him. I think he was a muse.

.. and I still don’t know what I’m going to do. I wake up with a decision and by the end of the day, after what feels like another tortous training session where it takes everything I have to stay awake, I change my mind because I can’t imagine being able to get through it day after day, even if it is only temporary.

I know there are other jobs..  and other men.. and other days.. and other places.. the possibilities are endless.  I wonder what my great Aunt Madeleine would say to me..  maybe if I wonder enough she’ll visit my dreams.

Filed under: Spirit

PASSION or LUST?

And then finally after so many days and weeks it occurred to me, would I rather have PASSION or LUST?

PASSION

1. any powerful or compelling emotion or feeling, as love or hate.
2. strong amorous feeling or desire; love; ardor.
3. strong sexual desire; lust.
4. an instance or experience of strong love or sexual desire.
5. a person toward whom one feels strong love or sexual desire.
6. a strong or extravagant fondness, enthusiasm, or desire for anything: a passion for music.
7. the object of such a fondness or desire: Accuracy became a passion with him.
8. an outburst of strong emotion or feeling: He suddenly broke into a passion of bitter words.
9. violent anger.
10. the state of being acted upon or affected by something external, esp. something alien to one’s nature or one’s customary behavior (contrasted with action ).

LUST

1. intense sexual desire or appetite.
2. uncontrolled or illicit sexual desire or appetite; lecherousness.
3. a passionate or overmastering desire or craving (usually fol. by for): a lust for power.
4. ardent enthusiasm; zest; relish: an enviable lust for life.
5. Obsolete.
a. pleasure or delight.
b. desire; inclination; wish.
–verb (used without object)
6. to have intense sexual desire.
7. to have a yearning or desire; have a strong or excessive craving (often fol. by for or after).

Having really had just the one and so little of the other, the answer is clear.

Filed under: Spirit

“stuck”

Yeah that’s word for it Miriam.. stuck. Life keeps moving, but you stay in one place.

I can’t imagine being any more indecisive. I’ve always had this tendency.

The place I looked at yesterday as a possibility to move to.. not likely.  I’m doing fairly well in the training class although out of everyone, about 13 people, I probably take it the least serious. I don’t study. I don’t pay that close attention. I don’t always stay awake…

Which begs the question, what could I accomplish if I did take something more seriously?

Seeing this in someone else was pretty apparent a few weeks ago. When I first met the artist friend I’ve briefly mentioned, I was under the impression he took his work fairly seriously and that he wanted to do it full time. However, his intent is/was to simply make art and sell it so he can afford to keep making more. He said that when we met, but he also mentioned that he felt like he was slacking when it came to marketing/showing, etc.. and he is, so in that respect he doesn’t take it that seriously.

I don’t know. In some ways I understand where he’s coming from but at the same time I can’t deny this nagging feeling or thought that ultimately he is in some respects taking his art for granted by not fully committing to it; making him, basically what I’d call a part-time artist… which is cool. That’s his thing.. great.

More importantly than any of whatever has to do with his artistic intention is how I percieve some of those things reflected in myself. Things/issues..  if I take my life show on the road, I feel like I’ll be making a commitment to the pursuit of .. of something much bigger than myself perhaps… of truth, creativity, source.. and at this point, I’m not quite sure what’s scarier. Which ever it is, that’s the one I think I should do cause there’s likely to be more gained in the long run.

Filed under: Spirit

Responsible Leap of Faith?

There’s a scene in the movie Legends of the Fall where Brad Pitt’s character Tristan Ludlow packs up his saddle bags, climbs on his horse and heads out for parts unknown. He winds up on a ship and travels overseas to several different places – one of them is Africa where he becomes a hunter. While in class today as I was fighting off sleep really hard, the idea of taking off popped into my head again.

It’s kinda funny..  I’ve been doodling on a folder also as a way to try to stay away and one day the name Ludlow popped into my head. I wrote it down on the drawing, not knowing where it came from.. The next day I noticed it was the name of a street I pass on the way to work and I thought that’s where it came from.. Now, I’m seeing that it’s also the last name of this character in the movie.

Kinda strange, funny, weird..  Ludlow on a sign and also the name of a character who takes a big leap of faith trip in a movie..

literally a sign to take action, of synchronicity or just coincidence?

Coincidentally..  someone from work has rooms that are really close to work that they want to rent next month – which is when I need to decide what I’m going to do by.

the choices:

1. Stay in CO. Persevere (this will at times seem very much like I’m wasting my life – I will be miserable), make the job work in order to become more financially stable, settle in this area and focus on my art.

2. Take a big leap of faith trip. visit family and friends across the US – This will give me a vast amount of freedom. I’ll see new things and meet new people and just take life as it comes one day at a time. This is a huge gamble, like many others I’ve taken.. only bigger. I can still do art living on the road like this.

I had a Dutch friend named Klaas once who lived like opt 2 for months at a time. He’d just pick a place he wanted to visit, get a job there, a place to live and move on once he’d made enough money.

I don’t know. I don’t have to decide right now. If you have some advice to give, I’d love to hear it. What would you do in this situation?

Filed under: Spirit

lazy Sunday

I signed back up at that dating website today. If I learned anything from my experience this summer it’s that I no longer want to be alone. I want to be in a relationship. I’ve always thought that that’s not exactly something you just ‘want’.. I mean, I figured that it’s more like something that has to just happen naturally. BUT at this rate if I keep waiting for nature to kick in a whole lot of nothing will just keep happening. fuck that.

So I put myself back out there. We’ll see how it goes.

Otherwise, the weekend has been pretty good. Did some chores around here yesterday and caught up on sleep.  And today? Hmm.. a few more chores, statements, a walk/hike with the dogs and drawing.

If I get that far, the weekend will feel accomplished.

Filed under: Spirit

talk to strangers

had a chat about the recent ‘woe is me’ events of the past few weeks with a mostly stranger,  a new co-worker.. she doesn’t know me from anyone else at this point. It felt kinda good to have someone listen and empathize with the situation – Misery loving company and all.

she didn’t offer any advise, just agreed that is a pretty sucky situation and that was enough

The thing that’s weird about it is that seems most strangers are more willing to listen than some I call friends. I think a lot of it has to do just with the fact that a stranger isn’t invested – the have nothing to loose or gain if they decide to speak their mind especially when they don’t agree. A friend on the other hand, if/when they do listen may feel self conscious.

I don’t know. Suppose it depends on the situation.

It was raining a minute ago and now I see blue sky and heavy cloud bank. I hope it’ll clear and burn off so I can go for a walk. I don’t like walking around in thick fog.. call me crazy but I like being able to see where I’m going. I know it isn’t always possible, but it is pretty nice.

———————————————————————

For the first time since I’ve been here, I went out for a walk in the fog anyway. I could see where I was going, just not very far ahead. Singing the Clash loudly and way out of tune sorta helped quell my nerves.

“should I stay or should I go now..”

Filed under: Spirit

the world is gone again

Swallowed right up in a cloud bank of sog and fog and misty, damp coolness..

They have this sort of thing in Washington in the winter. It went on for only a week though. This stuff that just keeps coming back? Well.. yeah, so I could do without it. Where the heck is summer? It’s like fall and it’s August?

bitch and moan.. blah, blah… yeah, yeah poor me

So I’m over it.

The j-o-b is actually a pretty nice change of pace for now. It’s good to get the heck outta here and do something else for many hours. For the first time in a pretty long time my computer time has been drastically reduced. We’re going to be going through some pretty extensive training and even though its is possibly the MOST boring thing I’ve subjected myself to in a very long time, I’m keeping my eye on the mun-nay. I gotta.

At the same time, drawing and painting have been crossing my mind a lot. Well, I do it in class quite a bit.. doodling on whatever is there. It keeps me awake. Don’t have any specific ideas for paintings, but getting a brush in some oil paint and smearing it all over a canvas in big bold chaotic strokes sure sounds like a lot of fun.

I want to get into a room full of supplies with good, natural light and just paint whatever wants to come out.

A while ago I felt like it was going to be a gusher – when I said it I thought it meant creative energy coming through. In retrospect, it’s pretty clear it had more to do with a big purge of other crap – and I use that term broadly. Soooo I’m thinkin the 2nd part is still to come. I’m kinda getting a little sick of talking about it actually.

I feel like.. fuck the weather and this state, fuck the j-o-b, fuck men (just keeping with the theme here – not literally), fuck worrying about money and my living “situation” and food and pain and fear…  I just wanna settle in my own place, doesn’t matter where, and get back to work – real work for me anyway.

in other words, if the world is going to disappear it won’t be because of the weather or some guy or whatever else.. it’ll be because I’ve escaped into the depths of a large white canvas and my restless imagination.

Filed under: Spirit

having a good time, all the time

So…  I am back among the employed and trying not to feel any certain way about it. It is what it is and I’m going to just try to do my best at it, which is pretty much all they expect.

As it stands, I am also working my way through an agreement at my place of residence until the end of August and then? And then I’ll just have to see how things are at that point. I will, however, absolutely move. I don’t want to live up here when winter hits.. it seems like fall is already here the way this very soggy weather continues.

Just a few days ago, I was very ready to get the heck out of here period. Today I was thinking that it is possible that I work within the set of circumstances I’ve been given to the point where I feel like things have leveled. Where I’m feeling better physically, mentally and emotionally… and of course, financially. The social whatever has definitely been put on the back burner. It used to being there.

Third time being the charm here, I was thinking it’d be really nice to come out of my current job on top, or ahead in a lot of ways. Well, the ways I just mentioned. (Note: I’m already thinking about leaving and I just started – Haha) Since this type of job has been a recurring job theme, I imagine there must be some lesson I need to learn from it. The lesson of how to break the pattern mostly and get to the part of my life that’s fun.

Hmmm.. does anyone remember fun?

Filed under: Spirit

Location.. locations

I handled yesterday’s shocker with whom I’ll probably be referring to as ‘the devil incarnate’ much better than the week before. I suspect the less I say about that situation the better and just leave it at 35 days and counting.

I’m a little confused about the way things are “supposed to be”. If there is such a thing.

I realize that in some circumstances, it’s good to struggle and work hard for what you want – which has essentially been dubbed as the “American Dream.” Although considering how non-conventional I am, the patriotic capitalistic spin on the concept is a pretty big turn off as it conjures up images of superficially happy couples standing in the front yard of their big house with the 2.5 children and white picket fence and blah, blah..

I’m not sure if that’s still the norm, but I know the whole “more is better” / “keeping up with the Jones’ ” mentality is pretty prevalent.

The almighty dollar is what it always comes down to in most men’s minds. I can think of several of such men right off the top of my head. Equally as big of a turn off, because in most of those cases it’s something they don’t have and spend the better part of their lives worrying about and trying to acquire. I suppose if it’s not money it’s women.

Money makes the world go round and you can either be a slave to it or allow it to set you free. Naturally, I’d prefer the latter. And to tie it into what I really wanted to write about.. I suppose I’m seeing this particular form of exchange as something that I’ve been a slave to right now as well as in the past. It ranks right up there with crap food as having some uncanny control over my life.

I thought I wanted to settle down here and now that I’ve struggled with life and gotten a job to root me down a little..  then it strikes me from out of the blue that banging my head against a tree long enough trying to fit a square into a circle is pretty stupid. There is no point to it.

So basically, I’m back to where I started.. not knowing where I want to be, only figuring out just a little more about where I don’t. This is, what seems like just another temporary stop on the road to…   well, the word that pops into my head is ‘nowhere’ – haha – but I’m hesitant to write that together cause it doesn’t exactly inspire confidence or optimism.

So… I’m thinking for now, money and the j-o-b is the tie that binds me to Colorado. And when the time is right, the money will give me the freedom to leave for an unknown destination – further South I’m thinkin’ cause it’s too damn cold up here in the mountains, even in the summer. Yeah, it’s pretty and nice but just not my gig. It’s great to visit, but to live?

I wonder what New Mexico is like. Suggestions on really great places to live are welcome.

Filed under: Spirit

bump & Rattle

I think the worst of my whatever is passing

had a very disturbingly honest dream this morning and it rattled me. Rattled me awake it was so real. A man from the present turned into a man from the past. In real life their different guys with a interesting similarities, including the first name. My experience with the first wasn’t so hot and for the second guy to turn into the first, well, it was sort of a wake up call to get on with it!

Sure thing.

Thanks to my conscious for the bump. I think I needed it.

Normally on Saturday’s I’m going to update my site with the best of the previous week’s drawings and/or photography, but since I updated on Wed. I’m going to save it til next Saturday. I don’t have anything new worth showing yet anyway.

Which brings me to something I’ve been wondering about.. showing work in progress? yes or no?

After the fact, maybe.. that’s once you can show the process from start to finish. But if it’s not done yet? Not so sure. Since what I’m doing is pretty quick and spontanous, I think I’ll only show the finished products. Not very many people are paying attention yet – so I don’t think it’s going to matter much.

Filed under: Spirit

I’m Really Not a Flake..

except for when I am.

hahaha

Well, they say admitting there is a problem is the first step to recovery.

what a transition this is turning out to be.. Did I sign up for this?

In exchange for a very lovely view, you get to deal with a toxic person and be broke.

In exchange for a peak back into your art and sex, you get attached to a guy and have to get over it cause he not on the same page.

In exchange for gas and food, you get to sell your once prized Leppard memorabilia.

In exchange for getting the hell sun burned out of my legs, they now have a some color.

In exchange for stress, unresolved emotional baggage and eating crap food, you get pain… at a very special rate – FREE.

I could probably go on, but there’s no point.

yeeeeah

I guess it’s all about compromise. Give & take and live & learn..  get back to where I was before and this time I get to do it even better.

Filed under: Spirit

Sense of Self

One of the times I woke up last night the thought occurred to me that in my recent attempts to detach, that I came to the conclusion I should stop trying and just accept.. and it’s going so slowly it seems..  I think I’m off on a tangent again..  hmm, umm what occurred to me was that when I get like I do I completely loose my sense of self, of who I am. The interaction becomes what I think the other wants in the hopes of gaining acceptance. It doesn’t work.

It starts out as me then I morph into someone else.. well, my personality does perhaps. I think in a way I’ve known this, but haven’t been completely conscious of it.

Obviously developing a greater or stronger sense of self and rooting or grounding into it could help. I suspect this happens to a lot of people, in varying degrees depending on just how hooked they are on whatever or whomever their attached.

Well, there isn’t anything I can do about the past. What’s done is done. And the future? It only exists the moment I’m thinking about it and that moment is now. And now, I’m hungry… for blueberry pancakes, syrup, oj and a side of bacon. yeah-yeah, that’s the ticket right there. hahaha

too bad I don’t have any of that. I have yogurt.

Filed under: Spirit , self worth

to match the sun

clearly one of my favorite past times is lying in the sun and I’ve done quite a bit of that while here

i really enjoy soaking up the vit D

when i was just out there today a rain cloud formed above me, lightly sprinkled and rained

it was awesome watching the cool sunlit drops fall from the sky and feel them plop down on my warm skin

those are the sorts of simple moments I want to share with someone else who knows the worth

right now I dont’ think I can express just how much I wanted that to be him

do I really? Do I really wish it was him.. and no one else? yeah, at least for today I do.. could my judgement already be so clouded that in his presense I perceive him to do no wrong?

Filed under: Spirit

Bubble Head

I updated my website today with 5 new drawings, that gets me up to date… Ready for more.

More, more, more.. and now with color.

I got everything updated on site the today.. a few adjustments to this and that.  I’m now plugged in – all the different aspects of my ‘online presence’ are in place, now it’s just a matter of adding content consistently.

Also added many pretty nature pictures I’ve taken over the past few months. Trees, flowers, mountains.. sky, clouds..

Speaking of which, think after being tied to this computer all day I’d rather be out there. I think that storm passed, there were only a few drops here.

Filed under: Spirit , Art, Drawing, Source Drawing

Connections

There’s a scene in the movie Ferris Bueller’s Day Off where they go to a museum. I think it’s the Met. At one point Cameron is staring at the painting above by Georges Seurat – Un dimanche après-midi à l’Île de la Grande Jatte (Sunday Afternoon on the Island of La Grande Jatte)

The camera does an increasingly close to extreme close up between Cameron and the child in the center of the painting. I think the short scene ends with the focus on the child’s open mouth.

The cool thing about Seurat’s work is his technique – pointillism. Thousands and thousand and tiny dots make up his brush ’strokes’ and give his painting the feeling that the shapes and images are dissolving into themselves and the world round them. Like the tiny molecules they are actually made up from – which is a brilliant idea, although maddening to apply I can imagine for anyone who doesn’t have patience.

So in this scene in that movie, something really important happens, and maybe it’s just a simple given, but none the less it’s pretty profound. What happens is that that painting and the viewer are connecting. Cameron relates to the child and in that sense alone the painting is successful.

A connection happens. Even though it’s fairly small and perhaps a bit ordinary, the viewer experiences a reaction to what he’s looking at. The way this process works, these sorts of connections, is pretty random. It’s not meant for everyone to understand because not everyone can – it’s totally subjective based on personal experience, emotion, circumstance and so on.

As simplistic as that is, I finally came to the conclusion a few years ago that that is the sole purpose of any art, just to make that connection. Whether it’s music or literally work.. when another person, or people react or relate what they experience to their lives in some way, the connection is made. Pretty easy to do – usually. There are so many variables that come into play that you really can’t control them all.

It’s my theory or notion or concept, in this regard, that the potential for these types of connections increases when the creator, the artist, is more in touch with his/her true source. No matter the subject or the method that produces the product… the art product is only a vehicle of expression.. a by product to mark the occasion.

I took a silly facebook quiz about numerology a while ago. I got a ‘4′ that means I’m a Builder whose mission in life is to challenge all convention and create in various realities through radical approaches. At first it made me laugh, it sounds good anyway..  It kinda ties into what I was saying earlier thou about making connections.. in regards to subject and method. In bringing it up I think I’m attempting to make a tie these things together as a personal mission statement about why I create.. and to sum it up, essentially, by tapping deeper into yourself – you tap deeper into a collective.

After writing this through, what occurs to me is whether or not it’s enough and maybe even whether or not it really matters? Perhaps it’s only an intellectual game that can be bypassed simply by saying.. yes, that’s what philosophically lies beneath the surface, ok – fine.. now just go create and be merry.

Filed under: Spirit , art connections, collective, Ferris Bueller, Georges Seurat, Source Connection

the Next Phase

god damn!

what a freakin roller coaster I’ve been on this past month.. Cry me a river! I swear. Well, if it was more of a purge I needed, that’s what I got. Usually that’s what it comes down to.. when negative emotions get bottled up they have a tendency of manifesting in the form of illness OR something happens and a flood gate is released. As an ultra sensitive person, I realize now that when that happens there’s just no stopping it.

I sure hope I’m done with it.. but realize there could be more. In a way I feel like I may be a little more ready to juice feast now. Not now this second, but within this next week I may start. Usually an undertaking like that will drudge up even more toxic emotional baggage that needs to be set free right along with a lot of actual toxic substances hanging out in my body that make me sick.

A long time ago I resolved myself to this idea that in order to evolve, I would at some point have to go through a BIG purge or several through my life.. or rather through this life as they have a way of spilling over each other in the most interesting and strange ways.

I’m starting a new job next week and by the end of next month I’ll be in a new place somewhere (?) in/around this area. Getting settled is really important to me right along with continuing this healing process that’s begun..  and along with it I believe some really great art will begin to see the light of day.

please stay tuned

Filed under: Spirit , emotional detox

Cowack!

Just a little while ago there was a HUGE rainbow out. It was half of a perfect circle.. amazing.. from one end to the other..

Talk about being cowacked lately. wow

Cowacked, dont’ know if that’s the right way to spell it, is a term I picked up from a psychic I had a reading from once. It was in 96 or 97 I think. If I remember correctly, it loosely means that you feel as though you have jumped over the edge of a cliff and are falling.. OR that someone has just hit you in the head totally throwing your reality way off axis. Cowack!

Generally speaking, I feel a bit off most of the time.. well, not know exactly what “on” feels like. But cowack is way more “off” than usual.

Learning to embrace uncertainty is the lesson I think. Being thrown out of my comfort zone.. growing up.. facing the music.. getting my act together.

This, I’m afraid, is pretty much what it comes down to.. I think.

There’s just so much stuff I’ve moved through my consciousness these past 40 days or so. One giant purge climaxed by some major fit hitting the shan. One minute I feel relatively normal and happy-go-lucky then the next day I’m numb.

Right now my immediate future is way up in the air.. swimming around waiting to see what happens next. Both of my top options seem to be very much out of my control and very uncertain..

So what am I doing about it? I’m going through my stuff.. my possessions, my website, my Def Leppard collection. Organize, pitch or sell is the theme. I’m trying very hard to destract myself from the weirdness of being cowacked.

I’m tying my online presence together as an underlying marketing base for my art, which is slowly but surely developing. That presence being social networking (facebook, myspace and twitter) with my main website – links in the far side bar.

I’m selling off most of my Lep collection for the money.

I’m liberating through my stuff because the likelihood of me moving soon are on a rapid rise… and I still have a lot of excess, mostly clothes and kitchen stuff.

While I was transferring April posts to this blog today, I read something briefly that I wrote about how the energy of this place was tbd. Well, I think I have a good idea of what it is now. It’s like this place is an open wound filled with a lot of negativity that’s all been stuffed under the surface. Sorrow, suffering, loss, loneliness.. stifled emotions that at some point just rip right through when given the chance.

The only way I’ve been able to manage it successfully is to go outside, take my shoes and socks off and walk around in the dirt. Aka) grounding. It’s interesting how I’ve mirrored these vibes by staying here. Perhaps it’s what I needed, I don’t know. But the time has come for me to leave before I’m taken under.

Maybe when I’m older and wiser this will make more sense, but for now I’m pretty convinced that someway, somehow I have to leave and let the art flow… metaphorically and literally.

..that rainbow is a good sign of things to come..

Filed under: Spirit

now what?

just DO

do

one thing I didn’t realize about the d-man is how much of a now guy he is.. he’s really very laid back and easy going in this respect.. in some ways I really like it and wish I was more like that.. in other ways well, you know.. whatever works

but overall I’m thinking in terms of the good aspects, naturally

so how do I do that?

well, I don’t know – I sorta have the idea though that camping out would really help

I’d really like to figure out what I’m supposed to eat between now and then

and I’m going to go through and throw crap away.. I have so much stuff I never use

LIBERATE

… oops, I thought this post was going in another blog. Oh well, it doesn’t matter.

In a nut shell, all hell broke loose on my ass yesterday and threw me for quite a loopy lupe making the option of camping out a while here in sunny CO a distinct option in my near future. Just have to see how the week plays out.

AND I’m looking back and connecting a few of my online places, getting the whole online art marking thing underway a little better. I’m not so gung ho on the whole gallery scene because of how pretentious it all seems.. but again, you know.. whatever works.

and of course, make art! sheesh I started a few drawings lately.. getting back into color. It feels good.

Filed under: Spirit

Solitary Transitions

I’ve really been going through ’something’ lately. The best word I know of to describe it is struggle. That saying about ‘idle hands being the devil’s playground’ is true I think. I know it well.

And then again, when I remember how it was the first few months I moved to Denver a year or so ago, it really wasn’t that much different. I think it takes a good 3-6 months to settle into a new place and still, where I’m at is also only temporary.

The big thing would be to be able to afford renting a much smaller but equally cool place to live located near a smallish, minimally populated town or city. I don’t want to live someplace where the houses are close together. Like at my parents place the closest neighbor is a mile away.. that seems about right.

A cozy mountain home with a barn/large garage or out building that could be used as a studio would be ideal. I know now there’s a pretty good chance of me getting a little stir crazy being so isolated like that, BUT with a daily routine and semi frequent socializing I think I’d be ok.

The very interesting thing I’ve learned this past month about being isolated is that as long as you’re not too attached to any one person or thing, being alone isn’t lonely. In some respects I’ve already known this, but this recent experience has been different. It’s only when you begin to realize the lack someone else’s presence or when you miss someone specific I think, that being alone feels lonely. However, just being around other people like when your shopping, dining out, driving in traffic or working someplace is something I am pretty sure I could take or leave.

That being an ultimate goal, of course. There is another inbetween transition before I find that, exactly. Unless or until I become much, much more proficient at channeling energy… and that whole path begins with what I consume I think. The whole going raw notion that has been sitting on the back burner. hahaha.. raw on the back burner.. raw isn’t cooked it’s raw! HAHA.. korny kidding around

yeah.. it’ll definitely be interesting to see what happens next

Filed under: Spirit

Achin’ to Be – The Replacements

Well she’s kind of like an artist
Sittin’ on the floor
Never finishes, she abandons
Never shows a soul

And she’s kind of like a movie
Everyone rushes to see
And no one understands it
Sittin’ in their seats

She opens her mouth to speak and
What comes out’s a mystery
Thought about, not understood
She’s achin’ to be

Well she dances alone in nightclubs
Every other day of the week
People look right through her
Baby doll, check your cheek

And she’s kind of like a poet
Who finds it hard to speak
Poems come so slowly
Like the colors down a sheet

She opens her mouth to speak and
What comes out’s a mystery
Thought about, not understood
She’s achin’ to be

I’ve been achin’ for a while now, friend
I’ve been achin’ hard for years

Well she’s kind of like an artist
Who uses paints no more
You never show me what you’re doing
Never show a soul

Well, I saw one of your pictures
There was nothin’ that I could see
If no one’s on your canvas
Well, I’m achin’ to be

She closes her mouth to speak and
Closes her eyes to see
Thought about an’ only loved
She’s achin’ to be
Just like me

Filed under: Spirit

Deflated Dysfunction

I made some brownies today but didn’t follow the high elevation instructions. They didn’t rise, at all.. turned out very flat. oh well..

I’ve been all over the map lately. The map of human emotions that is. sheesh. I should probably be medicated. HAha.

I start something one day and the next I’ve lost all focus. I think there’s really only one solution at this point. It’s something I keep putting off and putting off.. and putting off. Sometimes I think maybe I go through more weirdness now than I would if I were to actually step up and take this leap I’m referring to.. so vaguely and mysteriously.

So what is the culprit? What is the source of so much indecision and procrastination and roller coaster rides of emotional dysfunction?

refined sugars and processed starches

yep, gotta blame it ALL on the food – the Frankenstein food – the unreal, man made, pre fabricated, chemically compounded CRAP. I am what I gets assimilated.. and it doesn’t all get broken down so what remains hangs out and makes me hurt.. and it makes me just every so slightly imbalanced at times. HaHA.. ok, it makes me pretty damn loopy at times.

So what is the answer? What is the solution to dysfunctional being?

I’m pretty convinced it’s going RAW. Raw fruits, veggies, nuts & seeds and superfoods that fall within those categories. Beginning of course with a great BIG raw juice feast. Yep. I’ve been scoping it out and learning quite a bit for about a year now.. short of taking the leap.

Generally speaking, they don’t recommend making a drastic change from one type of diet to another.. but rather to let your body adjust. However, in my case, I’m already messed up. My digestive system has been revolting for years and rather than a slow, gradual transition.. that I probably wouldn’t be able to get through anyway.. I’d rather get the worst of it – if there is going to be a ‘worst’ due to detoxification – out of the way in one bold move.

yep.. the weirdness, both physical and mental, has gone on long enough.. just wish I could find someone to hold my hand during the process. The only person I asked about it wants a few thousand dollars. And in that sense, never under estimate the value of true friendship.

If there are any kind hearted volunteers, I am now accepting emotional support donations. And if you’re already raw as well as a pretty happy well balanced person, that’d help a lot too.

it’s probably a pretty good thing those brownies didn’t turn out, their better off in the trash

Filed under: Spirit , diet, emotional eating, green juice, health, raw food, raw juice

the Disconnected Cheese Stands Alone

what a freakin’ title that is.. coming straight from left field

blah!

i went for a drive yesterday.. up through one canyon and down another. at the top I stopped, had a bite of a taco  – it was no good so I didn’t eat it. it was too spicy, the service was lousy and I didn’t pay for it.. it was overpriced anyway. They wanted $4 for it. You can get an entire meal for that at Taco Hell.

So as I was driving I kept looking at all the houses and thinking that they were too close together.. that they shouldn’t be there and wondering why I wanted to live in them for so long.. what was the appeal? why did I come here? turns out that I don’t now why I’m here.

coming down the second canyon into Boulder there were all these people parked on the side of the road.. site seeing or recreating. Right before entering town there were a bunch of people at a spot on a river and they felt so distant.. it was as if a huge wall of space was between us and I couldn’t understand why I wanted to be one of them before..

when I got into town I started looking at all these newish developments.. their colors and shapes and the feel of the area. I just felt out of place, so disconnected from life..  being in this house where I live gives me a sense of familiarity that all the places I saw on my drive didn’t have and I suppose that is providing some sense of comfort.. or perhaps a hindrance in disguise?

just driving around to see what I would see and trying to distance myself from the chattering mind, constantly wondering what the heck is going on with a friend of mine.. all the while trying to connect with others and coming up short, standing alone.. lost and disconnected.

What I long so deeply for and foolishly think I’ll find within someone or something else isn’t there. The only place it is is in me.. and trying to find the will, the essence of my true self can be such a lonely, depressing and confusing journey.. any other way and it probably wouldn’t be worth it I suppose. so much of what i’ve been doing in my life doesn’t work and I just keep doing it over and over again. It’s INSANE! i gotta let go, wake up and try something new..

and on that note.. The clouds rolled in, the temp dropped at least 10 degrees and it looks like it’s going to be a real crappy day. happy freakin’ 4th.. blah!

Filed under: Spirit , disconnected, displaced, self development, transitions

a Letting Go

what a day, man.. It’s been raining most of it.

Today, I imagined a part of myself dying.. or rather I imagined killing a part of myself off, pretty vividly. I went over to a nearby ridge, disrobed and blew my brains out. I figured that wild animals would come and eat me, leaving nothing so there’d be no bother with a funeral or whatever. And why? why would I imagine such a thing?!

This lyric that keeps running through my head about everything being connected and beautiful and knowing where I stand. The answer to where I stand is how it started or where it picked up. Without going into the depressing details of a lonely heart, I’ll just say that thinking you will find something you think you miss in yourself is grounds for a very big dose of harsh reality.

The single figures in my drawings are where I stand. Alone, trying to find balance as conflict after inner conflict wage war. A constant battle of ego and my true self.. or perhaps it’s more like ego vs. ego. Self vs. self or ego vs. self doesn’t quite fit.. my true self has no conflict and wouldn’t bother with it against the ego.. The ego on the other hand is the thorny bastard and the sooner I learn how to deal, the better.

Hence, a sort of catharsis or a homecoming perhaps? I don’t know. It remains to be seen..

So I set a small plan in motion today to get out of bed and run an errand or two. I have now completed it and am ready to go back to bed. I’m whipped. Emotionally drained. And tomorrow is another day.

Also, a thought on the possibility of needed a muse…  there’s a scene in the movie Garden State that just kills me every time.

It’s the part where Andrew and Samantha are sitting by the fire at a party and he just told she and the others about why he’s been on numbing drugs most of his life.. when and why his mom became a paraplegic. When he’s done the two guys leave and Andrew and Samantha are left. She tells him how she can tell he’s “in it” .. that he’s trying to figure stuff out in his head – important stuff and he admits that he is. The tone is kinda serious and he thinks they should lighten up. She says she’s buzzin from the beer.. he is too.. then he tells her that he really likes her and there’s that. It’s pretty obvious how much he likes her just for who she really is in that moment and all the ones they’ve spent together that far.. You can tell that makes her feel really, really good.. and she likes him too. It makes her feel so good that she gets up and does a silly little, happy tap dance… and the music is so right on.

That right there is IT.  The vibe is so beautiful it makes me cry to watch or think about it. It’s so powerful the way it hits me. Just being liked by someone you like simply for who you are.. wow!

If that isn’t inspiration then I don’t know what is.. and the thing of that is, if you don’t have those moments of pure love and acceptance by yourself, well, I don’t think there’s really much to work with. So there’s that.. my muse is me. lol .. and once that has some sort of ground I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want a a moment or more with another person like that.

Filed under: Spirit , ego battle, ego struggle, Garden State, inspiration, let go

Distraction and Excuses

the thing is.. I’m too distracted by what may or may not happen w/other people sometimes. I think about it too much is the problem. I can reason and rationalize the whole thing until I’m blue in the face. Above all I want to evolve – YES. That is what I want more than anything. I think that in the process of knowing & getting to know others I will gain clues about what inner peace really is – via giving and receiving both. And my decision is that no matter what I think, that I allow the process to unfold naturally of it’s own accord.

and what I can do to ease this process? get clear on my path, focus and take action on it.. that is/should be my primary course.. people who come and go in and out of my life along the way are seperate yet intricately intertwined… when I express and share myself with them, I acknowledge the value in them as well as myself.. we are all connected.

“everything is connected and beautiful and now I know just where I stand” ~ Silversun Pickups, Kissing Families

And one of the next lines goes thank god that’s over..  There’s also a line about how their glad someones heart is closed. Not really sure what the entire context of the song is exactly, but I see the thank god that’s over part as the struggle to figure some stuff out is over.. I hope to be able to say someday soon.

I feel like I’ve ‘gotten clear’ on my path a few times in the past, just falling short of focusing and taking action however.

Filed under: Spirit , Connection, personal develoment, relationships, self development